WHAT IS THE PATTERN OF MARRIAGE?

While marriage is ordained and sustained by God, Man's responsibility is to

LEAVE, CLEAVE and BECOME ONE FLESH. (Gen 2; 24-25).

1) LEAVING:

This gives opportunity for bonding and intimacy to grow without interference from family members

Enhances unity between a couple

Allow couple to set up their own Christian values and practices in their home.

Suggested Areas of Leaving:

1. Governmental: Authority and loyalty change hands (from father to husband

2. Geographical: The men must leave from under their parents’ roof and woman must leave and create their own marital home

3. Emotional: Where will you go to when there is tension in your marriage? Leave unhealthy attachments to family members.

4. Psychological: Unhealthy comparison between parents, their home and yours. Seek to belong to your new home setting.

5. Financial: Learn to live within your means without dependence on your families.

6. Social: Satisfy three authorities;

• Family - customary rites
• State - registration of marriage at court. Under ordinance law
• God - blessing of marriage

7. Spiritually: A new institution is created and new priorities established. A new family has been created a new family alter must be built with the husband taking the lead in devotional times and family worship.

While the mandate remains to honour parents, you depend first of all upon one another.

You are one flesh with only one person - YOUR SPOUSE not parents, children or the church.

Parents must release their children which often takes time, explanation and understanding.

The Dangers of Not Leaving

1. Unfair competition in the kitchen. A woman (mother) with the experience of meeting man's needs for 20 years or more is now competing with a beginner (wife) who is just trying to discover what her husband's needs are.

2. Husband will not be the head of the house because his father is the head and his word is law.

3. Husbands will remain his father's small boy.

4. New couple will not learn responsibility because father will handle the business of the home.

5. Couple invites interference in their marriage.

Leaving Is Not Forsaking

Affirm the value of the extended family by pointing out that leaving does not mean abandonment, neglect or leaving in anger or to escape from parents.

Note that I Tim. 5:8 put emphasis on the "immediate family" (NIV) as a couple you will need priority. Now, as a couple you will need to discuss together what your responsibilities are to both sides of the family and decide together how you will meet those obligations.

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE?

i. Companionship (Gen. 2:18-24)- To bring about fellowship and love. To have a companion who sticks to us under all circumstances, who in sharing our difficulties makes them less burdensome, and in sharing our joys and success enhances them making them more enjoyable.

ii. To raise a godly seed (Mal.2:14-15) However no children in marriage should never serve as the basis for problems, divorce or polygamy.

iii. For the preservation of purity and sanity in the society (1 Corinthians 9:7).

WHAT IS A MARRIAGE COVENANT?

1. A Covenant of Sacrifice

2. A Covenant of Sharing and Security

Everything is shared in common: the partner’s bodies, income and debts. It is no longer yours and mine but ours

Partners strengths are to be put together to provide protection for each other. They think and act for the benefit of each other.

 

3. A Covenant of Companionship

Companionship and friendship is the heart and focus of marriage relationship.

4. A Covenant Made In Heaven

God has joined the two parties (Matt. 19:6)

God is the third party in the covenant relationship. Eccl. 4:12

It is sealed by vows - Eccl. 5:4-6

 

Marriage is the first institution (Gen. 2: 22-24) and is chosen as a picture of the covenant of love between Jesus and the Church (Eph. 5: 31-32). Marriage is to be HELD IN HONOUR i.e. esteemed worthy, precious, of great price (Heb 13: 4). Note: Guard against any thought, attitude, word, or action that dishonours or makes light of one another or the marriage relationship. Society often makes a mockery of marriage and denies its covenant holiness through sexual perversion.

 

This union of man and wife is a holy mystery created by God; A life-long commitment to be developed and sustained by Him. He doesn't give room for divorce (Eph 5:22, 23; Mal. 2:13-16)

WHAT IS A COVENANT?

A covenant is a formal, solemn and binding contract (agreement) between TWO PARTIES.

The essential elements being those of TWO PARTIES, a PROMISE solemnly given and an OBLIGATION in the covenant's maintenance and fulfilment

Because of the binding character of the promise a SEAL of the covenant is often attached.

E.g. (i) Covenant between God and Noah and the seal - RAINBOW (Gen.9)

(ii) Covenant between Abraham and God; seal - CIRCUMCISION (Gen.12, 17)

These make up a vertical covenant relationship. There is also the horizontal covenant relationship. E.g. between David and Jonathan (2 Samuel)

Marriage is a covenant made under God in the presence of members of His body - a covenant in which each party ( man & wife ) wholly commits himself / herself to God (vertical) and to the other (horizontal) permanently and irrevocably to serve and to love in full obedience to the word of God.

 

The covenant begins with COMMITMENT and is sustained by DISCIPLINE and is evaluated by its PRODUCTIVITY in making each person into someone better than what they were, when they began. The life they share together becomes their priority.

Marriage is not a contract but a covenant (Malachi. 2:13-16; Proverbs. 2:16, 17)

A contract is an agreement between two parties to fulfil certain acts.

1. Needs to provide legal security where trust is lacking.

2. Can be attired if circumstances change.

3. Intended to protect the lights of the individuals.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

Marriage is an exclusive commitment of one man and woman to each other in a life-long relationship.

It’s not a ceremony but a state of being; it’s a life-long commitment to be developed as well as maintained. It is a refining process calling for each party to die to himself or herself in order to live for the other.

Every good institution is founded on solid principle just like a house built upon a rock. If any house will stand firmly against rainstorms, it surely depends on the kind of FOUNDATION laid.

Jesus said in Matthew. 7:24-27 that; if you hear my word and put it to practice then you are really building your ‘house of faith’ on him.

The Bible has set principles on which to build marital relationship. Good foundation ensures that it withstands storms of life and Jesus is that sure foundation. Gen. 2:24, 25; Matt. 19:5, Mark 10:7, Eph. 5:31 provide the necessary facilities that must go into this foundation.

The stability of the family is dependent upon the solid foundations of the marriage covenant. The covenant nature of the marriage relationship provides permanence in this age of growing instability.

10 DANGEROUS THINGS YOU MUST NEVER DO IN MARRITAL RELATIONSHIP

a. Never marry out of infatuation.

b. Never marry out of lust or because of sex, money or beauty alone. Prov. 31:30

c. Never marry out of sympathy.

d. Never, never marry Satan’s agent: he or she will destroy you.

e. Never marry because of pleasure from others.

f. Never marry someone just because of pregnancy.

g. Never marry because of parental or societal pressure.

When a man chooses to marry a woman, he has chosen a lover, the mother of his children and a help-meet. A woman consenting after courtship to go ahead with marriage is not only choosing a husband; she is choosing her destiny. She is handing over control over her life to that man. The man becomes the greatest influence on her to drive her either to success or failure in life. Even if he backslides to be an unbeliever, his decision binds on her. Never marry a man you cannot submit to. Remember that Ananias determined the destiny of Sapphira; in the same way Delilah, Jezebel and Eve influenced their respective spouses.

In conclusion, the period of courtship, if not abused, can be a very enjoyable and rewarding experience which prepares the couple for more smooth adjustment to each other later in marriage. God can use committed couples who have integrity as battle-axes to break the current vicious cycle of Christian compromise and ungodliness that is engulfing the Christian community. On the other hand, if it is abused, God can pass a vote of ‘no confidence’ in you. There are certain spiritual heights heaven will not grant you again should you fail during the period of your courtship.

6 WAYS TO BREAK AN ENGAGEMENT WITHOUT BECOMING ENEMIES

Pray a lot about it and be sure you have a confirmation from God. Don’t just break the courtship because somebody has given you a prophecy or a vision.


1. Seek godly counsel. Discuss the situation with marriage counsellors.


2. Discuss it with each other.


3. Go with your partner before church officials and inform them.


4. Do it without leaving any room for doubts. Whatever you say will be remembered a lifetime.


5. Allow some period to elapse before engaging another spouse.


6. Do not tease, mock or do anything to spite your partner after the break-up. It is unchristian.

HOW LONG SHOULD COURTSHIP LAST?

Your marriage counsellor will give the best guidance depending on the merits of each case. The duration of courtship should neither be so short (as to make you virtually strangers who hardly know each other) nor too long. Some courtships are so long that in the end the couple even separate because there is the temptation to set eyes on other more appealing suitors or to just lose interest.

 

Therefore courting should not be shorter than a year because it takes time to know a person. Yet the courtship can become so long that one partner may lose interest entirely. A period beyond three years must be discussed frankly. It would be wicked to allow an ‘unlikely-to-succeed relationship’ to dangle for seven years before breaking it. God is an avenger in all such cases I Thess. 4:6.

10 DANGER SIGNALS THAT THREATEN SUCCESSFUL COURTSHIP

In Matthew 1:18-19 we read of Joseph’s intention to divorce Mary because of her strange pregnancy. The courtship period either confirms your choice as God’s will or negates it.

Therefore watch out for the following danger signals:

1. Aggressive or subtle attempts by your partner to involve you in sexual immorality. I Cor. 6:18-20.

2. Losing your peace and joy in the Holy Spirit as the relationship continues. Phil. 4:6-7, Col. 3:5

3. Evaporating love means you started with infatuation. Song of Solomon 8:5-7

4. Growing incompatibility in your visions, dreams for life, the calling of God upon your life, etc.

5. Basic character weakness in your partner that he/she is making no attempts to change (such as lying, stealing and idolatry) and compromising Christian standards he/she is not prepared to forego.

6. Growing family resistance with impossible conditions. Where in-laws-to-be strongly oppose the relationship, a lot of patient endurance is necessary even if you are still convinced it is the will of God. The marriage may come on, but counsellors must agree.

7. Discoveries that make marriage impossible: she is in another relationship; he already has a wife; he is impotent; she has AIDS, etc.

8. Growing interest for another person.

9. One partner persistently wants to quit; has lost interest.

10. Godly counsel against continuing the relationship.

Remember that betrothal is marriage and breaking it constitutes divorce. Therefore if a relationship must be ended, then this should happen while the going is good i.e. before a formal marriage announcement. Just one of these symptoms may not be strong enough to warrant breaking the engagement, but when more than two of these signals surface during the period of courtship, you need to seek counsel.

DANGERS OF PREMARITAL FONDLING OR SEX

Remember that even though fondling is holy in the marriage context Gen. 26:8, premarital fondling and/or sex have their set of dangers.

You stir up passions beyond control and either burn, masturbate, harbour impure thoughts and/or fornicate. Even where one partner is strong enough to go unscathed, the other may well have committed adultery already in his heart:

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matt. 5:28

You cannot correct each other permanently. The close-fisted brother for whom even tithe-paying is a problem will not permanently change when he knows he has already had his way around you.

Such a relationship can lead to an unhappy marriage for which you are not prepared:

“If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins.” Exo. 22:16-17

Even if pregnancy does not result, blackmail alone can lead you to marry an alcoholic, a prostitute, a would-be backslider, wife-beater, etc. which you never bargained for.

If fondling during courtship results in sex, it haunts you forever and makes you distrust each other long after you are married.

The man can hate you later, just as Amnon did to Tamar (2 Sam. 13:15). He can choose to go to greener ‘pastures’ after ‘spoiling’ you.

You risk getting AIDS and other related venereal diseases if sex takes place.

You injure the conscience of other younger Christians and blaspheme the name of the Lord before unbelievers who quickly get to know your nefarious activities (I Cor. 8:10; Rom. 14:15).

There must be an obvious way in which Christian courtship is different from the boyfriend-girl friend relationships of the world. Admittedly, the global pressure of pornography, indiscriminate sex, and falling morality standards even in Christian circles, can make the prospective groom or bride succumb to sex. But the Bible is clear on the injunction not to follow the crowd in doing wrong (Exod. 23:2). In addition it admonishes:

“Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from iniquity” (2 Tim. 2:19)

“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” (2 Tim. 2:22)

If a marriage will not work out well in future, then almost invariably God gives His ‘red light’ signals to the wary partner during the courtship so that prayerfully, the relationship can be broken. The careless, prayer less partner who is off-guard will fail to notice every danger sign sent from heaven.

NEGATIVE PRATICES THAT DESTROY CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP

Courtship is not marriage. So under certain extreme circumstances (e.g. the man persistently demanding sex or being a liar, etc) it can be broken. Being consistently strong-willed, stubborn etc can destroy your courtship because even if the partners succeed in getting married, they usually do so in haste and they distrust each other forever.

Christian ladies should watch the way they dress and carry themselves along. Seductive mannerisms, far from being indicative of feminine charm, constitute blatant sin, which God will punish.

“And there a woman met him, with the attire of a harlot and a crafty heart. She was loud and rebellious; her feet would not stay at home at time she was outside, at times in the open square, Lurking at every corner. So she caught him and kissed him with an impudent face she said to him: I have peace offerings with me; today I have my vows…..”. She has cast down many wounded; and all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending to the chambers of death.” (Prov. 7:10-14, 26-27)

Parents, elders and marriage counsellors must instruct their wards on how to conduct themselves during courting.

Remember that the God you call Father does not take cases of sexual immorality kindly. He displays them as sensational news headlines e.g. the Diana/Shechem rape episode, David/Bathsheba adulterous affair, the Judah/Tamar transaction, and Amnon/Tamar drama.

Remember also that holiness is always a choice. Both Joseph and Amnon got locked up alone in bedrooms with women but Joseph chose not to sin against God. God vindicated him after many years by rewarding him with the post of Prime Minister in a foreign land. The other, who thought he was being smart, met his untimely death soon afterwards. Personally decide and choose not to sin against God during your period of courtship.

We live in a sex-soaked society where, from books to TV and movies, from music to the Internet, the youth are bombarded with sex constantly. Many brethren commit the act, get pregnant and abort. Then they fast and claim forgiveness from a God who may well be different from the God of David and Bathsheba.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Gal. 6:7

14 WINNING KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL COURTSHIP

The following are suggestions to follow during courtship:

1. Make every attempt to know your spouse’s character and do not hide your habits from each other. Encourage each other’s strengths and correct your faults in the proper spirit.

2. Go to places together: church services, prayer meetings, conferences, camps, etc.

3. Exchange letters and notes.

4. Exchange visits. Get to know each other’s family and acquaintances.

5. Discuss your callings, gifts, talents, and ministry plans.

6. List, discuss and examine your interests, likes and dislikes, similarities and differences.

7. Find out about each other’s background: education, tribe, family tree, personal sickness, blood groups, etc.

8. Be honest about personal details of your life and family that you know will hurt your partner when discovered after marriage.

9. Compare your expectations in marriage; your perception of responsibilities as husband and wife, fatherhood and motherhood. What parts are you prepared to play?

10. Discuss you careers/professions/vocations and prospects for the future.

11. Discuss your faiths, beliefs and convictions. What do you agree and disagree on and why?

12. Discuss your expectations of each other’s roles as husband/wife.

13. Be observant to notice and question all events, actions etc. that do not conform to your expectation.

14. Make time for counselling. Determine to finish the counselling sessions.

 

STARTING CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP

There are certain general principles the Lord has given by which every Christian is to conduct himself:

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” I Cor. 10:31.

“Marriage should be honoured by all.” Heb. 13:4

“Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.” Rom. 12:17

“Avoid every appearance of evil.” I Thess. 5:22.

The above principles mean that we must start the courtship on such a note that the name of God will not be blasphemed among the Gentiles because of us. Rom. 2:24. Even though many youth prefer to propose personally to the lady they are courting, the advantages of an official proposal far outweigh this.

Positive Ways of Courting Successfully

Courtship can be a time of having healthy fun and socialising together as you exchange visits letters, notes etc.

It can also be a rewarding time of learning and preparing for life together as you read the same books, listen to sermons, discuss and argue out your convictions on various issues, share your aspirations, goals, dreams and visions for life, etc.

It is a healthy opportunity to learn about your respective backgrounds in all their dimensions; see each other at your strengths and in your weaknesses while devising godly strategies to correct and encourage one another.

There must be time for ‘sweet nothings’, but also more time for probing talk so you do not end up marrying an entire ‘stranger’. As the Lord leads and as the relationship grows towards greater certainty of imminent betrothal and marriage, old skeletons that can haunt yourself or your partner should be shared and dealt with. If there is some information which has some serious implications for your partner which can be learnt from a third party or which your conscience and God caution you about, tell it to the other person e.g. a severed Fallopian tube, multiple abortions in the past, one partner earlier mothering/fathering a child, infertility, low sperm count, etc.

The courtship is strictly non-sex and ‘non-smooching.’ Keep your conversation on edifying topics. Avoid situations that will lead to necking and petting in dark or isolated places. As much as possible, pursue activities that do not isolate you from other people. E.g. group dating or visiting your partner in the company of another.

Watch your Christian testimony when you are in public as well as when you are alone. Do not spoil the conscience of other people. Be like Paul:

“So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.” Acts 24:16

The Christian psychologist, James Dobson says “apart from the appetite for food, the lust and drive for sex is the greatest passion that any human being can experience”. So be wary.

“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.” I Cor. 6:18-20.

The biochemical discharges in an unbeliever’s blood that push towards sex are the same in the Christian. However the believer has the following advantages:

Constant fellowship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit through daily meditation on the Word of God to strengthen your fear of sinning against Him

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Ps. 119:9, 11.

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col. 3:2

• 
  
  Disciplining yourself to cut off from visiting your partner should you be ‘on heat’ – even if it takes two or more weeks. Contrary to thinking this is an extremist’s stance, let us refer to it as the stance of a concerned ‘heaven-bound passenger’. Ephesians 4:27 cautions Christians not to give the devil a foothold.
  
  
  
• 
  
   Decent dressing during visits to each other’s homes.
  
  
  

WHEN AM I READY FOR COURTSHIP?

1. WHEN I AM PHYSICALLY MATURED

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires … Place me like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned. “ (Songs 8:4,6,7).

Teenagers may not know enough to select to satisfactory mates exposure to the opposite sex in later life and lose interest; or they may lack maturity of judgement. Isaac was 40 years old when he married. To father or mother a child requires physical maturity. The stress and strain of being a husband or wife also demand that one should be physically matured. Today’s husband may not need to be 40 years old before going to the altar but a 15 year old husband would make news in Ghana!

2. WHEN I AM MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MATURED

In courtship and marriage, every facet of your emotions comes under pressure from the loved one. The right emotional balance will make a mature spouse out of a cry-baby of a girl and a husband out of a pampered boy who must always have his way. Mentally, in the context of marriage, one needs to be exercised in thinking around and solving difficult real-life problems of all sorts.

3. WHEN I AM ECONOMICALLY MATURED

Before one marries, one must be a secure income earner. Adam was first given work to do in the garden before he was later given a wife. A jobless man cannot feed his wife. An idle wife would be an eternal burden on her husband especially in these inflationary days of ours. One’s expenditure patterns should be able to wisely discriminate between essential needs and frivolous expenditure. Economic resourcefulness is a virtue that should be caught because as one prepares for marriage, almost invariably there will be certain financial catastrophes. Nobody can ever predict what will happen in the course of the marriage.

4. WHEN I AM SOCIALLY MATURED

This relates to one’s ability to adjust to the environment, neighbours, in-laws, other acquaintances, etc. How well can your partner live at peace with others? Marriage introduces you to a wider social setting immediately. Children, in-laws, house-helps and other well-wishers flood your life almost overnight. A socially immature spouse is soon be known and discussed.

5. WHEN I AM SPIRITUALLY MATURED

Marriage responsibilities are enough to stretch any person and so it is only proper that a prospective spouse works towards establishing the right balance between God’s demands upon him/her and the demands of a family. Prayer, Bible study and the Quiet Time, commitment to church work and soul-winning are habits that must be cultivated before marriage responsibilities come.

CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP

The success or failure of every marriage depends on the foundations upon which it was built. In that case there is no need for any courtship.

Today, however, the scene is changing in many African circles because of education and modernization.

WHAT IS CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP?

Christian Courtship is the art and science of getting involved in social and spiritual activities that lead to engagement, betrothal and ultimately marriage in the sight of God. During courtship, a Christian brother and a Christian sister take time to pay attention to the one they hope to marry. Since marriage involves learning to please your spouse, courtship sets the tone.

Christian courtship begins after a young man has made a God-directed decision and proposed or made his intentions known to a female counterpart, who also prayerfully believes that God has given her His consent.

Normally, it is the man (or his representative) who actively proposes but the girl also reserves the right to accept or refuse the offer based upon how she sees God’s leading. It is the power of choice matched against the power of acceptance. The woman is not just a passive player. She reserves a right of rejection based upon the leadership and convictions of the Holy Spirit.

WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP?

1. BETTER ACQUAINTANCE

Since marriage is a life-long commitment to one partner, courtship is a necessary scriptural prelude. The relationship gives a good opportunity for the two to become better acquainted with each other. Depending on the sincerity level of the partners, one can get to know the likes, dislikes, standards, habits, convictions, character and temperamental traits, etc., of the other person.

During courtship, genuine love can be nurtured and be enabled to blossom. On the contrary, infatuation gradually fizzles off after some time.

2. GODLY STUDY FOR CORRECTIVE PURPOSES

Beyond mere knowledge of the other partner, courtship gives the opportunity for a godly study for corrective purposes. Defects in character that years of ministers’ sermons and personal Bible study fail to correct can be permanently corrected if a loved one takes on the godly assignment of working on his /her partner in those areas. It should however be noted that it is possible for emotions to take the better part of reason. The partner might be so clouded by ‘love’ that he/she can gloss over the defect, even if cautioned by others. (Delilah pleased Samson well.)

3. PLANNING TOGETHER

The period of courtship enables a couple to plan together towards the development, exploitation and use of their respective God-given talents, gifts, callings, etc. They can also observe the ways in which their gifts complement one another so that these can be put to healthy use.

4. PROTECTION FROM PARENTAL PRESSURE

The courtship experience can be a stabilizer to withstand pressure from ungodly parents or guardians who would want to plant unbelievers who are not in God’s will for you can be stopped. It can also be a satisfying experience particularly for youth who now need many years to finish their academic careers before settling for marriage.

However, the above gains can all be eroded if care is not taken to enter into courtship with guidance and advice and with the right motives.

MARRIAGE: An Ideal or Ordeal?

One day I came across a statement about marriage that read:

“Marriage is like a besieged city, those inside are struggling to come out whiles those outside are struggling to enter”

The above statement paints a gloomy picture of marriage that makes some people view the marriage relationship as an ordeal. The answer to the question as to whether marriage is an ideal or ordeal can best be answered by an individual, based on what ‘lens’ the individual is looking at marriage from.

When viewed from the ‘lens’ of God’s word, the marriage relationship can be seen as being an ideal, because when God created all the living creatures, they were created male and female and they had active relationships. But concerning man, he was without a partner so God said ‘it is not good for man to be alone’. God therefore made the woman and brought her to the man.

This Genesis account of the first marriage was the ideal pattern of God for marriage. Marriage therefore, from God’s point of view is an ideal.

What then makes many view marriage as an ordeal? Couples think they are perfect for each other on the wedding day and the subsequent honeymoon period. After a month or two of wedded bliss, they wake up to the reality of marriage. This is when the real marriage journey begins and the couple now begin to find faults with each other. They see their individual weaknesses and shot-comings and it’s like “how come I didn’t see all these”, “I wouldn’t have married you if I knew of this”.

What many couple don’t realize early enough in the marriage is that when you are courting you see each other at your best. Both of you spend time getting ready to meet each other. The man who at this time seem to be walking in a crazy maze of love, will do strange things. But after the wedding comes the marriage. You wake up from the dreamland to the real world and the make-up, the Paco Rabane aftershave and Channel Number 5 perfume are all gone. In their place you are greeted with morning breath, scratchy whiskers. And as if that is not enough shock, you realize that even the teeth and hair are false ones.

This rude awakening may sound funny, but it is real. This reality is what many are not prepared for and may not be able to adjust to immediately, and therefore conclude that marriage is an ORDEAL instead of an IDEAL.

What is your opinion? Is marriage an Ideal or Ordeal? Send your comments please.

FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES OF RELATIONSHIP

1. Are you in a relationship of any sort?

2. What sort of relationship are you in right now?

3. Do you understand the basics of relationship?

4. Do you have any purpose for the relationship you find yourself in at the moment?

WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?

According to the Concise Oxford Dictionary, a relationship refers to:

i. The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected

ii. The way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave towards each other

iii. An emotional and sexual association between two people

Man was created by God as a social being and therefore cannot live in isolation like an island. We will find ourselves connected to others in some forms of relationship at every stage of our human development. We will at one point in time or the other be buddies, peers, friends, lovers and ultimately, married couples. Irrespective of the relationship we find ourselves in, the fundamental principles are the same.

WHAT ARE THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF RELATIONSHIP?

1. AGREEMENT

There cannot be a relationship between two people unless there is agreement between them. Agreement is accordance in opinion or feeling or the condition of agreeing with another person. The Bible asks a question in Amos 3:3 that “can two walk together except they be agreed?’This therefore is the most basic of the fundamental principles of relationship of any kind. The two people must agree to walk together before a true relationship can commence.

2. TRUST

The next basic ingredient for a healthy relationship is trust. Trust is a firm belief in someone or something. It is the belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone you have a relationship with.

3. COMMITTMENT

Commitment is an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause. Commitment is the force that determines what we are willing to contribute for the effective development of a relationship. Commitment focuses more on what to give to the relationship than what to get out of the relationship. This is the live wire for a healthy relationship.

4. PURPOSE

Every relationship must have a purpose and that purpose must be determined from the onset of the relationship. A purpose is simply the reason for which something is done or for which something exists. The purpose of the relationship defines the scope, rights and responsibilities of the parties to the relationship.

There many more principles for relationship, but we will deal with them under specific relationship types as we progress.